Parenting advice can make it feel like there is always another technique to learn. Gentle parenting, firm boundaries, screen rules, discipline, routines—it can be difficult to know whether you’re doing enough. But according to licensed marriage and family therapist Todd Sarner, parents don’t need to be perfect. They need to be present, loving, and willing to adjust when something isn’t working.
Sarner, who has worked with more than 2,000 families, explains a practical approach built around communication, organization, guidance, emotional security, and parental self-regulation. The goal isn’t to eliminate every disagreement or difficult moment. It’s to build a relationship where parents and children can reconnect when things go wrong.
Why Good Parenting Doesn't Require Perfection
Trying to get every parenting decision right can create unnecessary pressure. When parents become anxious about choosing the perfect response, they may move between being overly lenient and overly strict, leaving everyone frustrated.
Sarner’s approach draws on the idea of the “good enough parent,” associated with D.W. Winnicott. Parents don’t need to meet every need perfectly. They need to provide love, attention, effort, and a willingness to recognize patterns they want to change.
That makes mistakes part of the learning process.
If a parent raises their voice, for example, they can return to the child and acknowledge what happened: “I’m sorry I raised my voice. It was my fault, and I love you. I’ll try again.”
An apology doesn’t erase the disagreement, but it can reopen communication and show a child that relationships can recover after conflict.
Build Emotional Security Through Connection
Children develop a sense of security through repeated experiences of having an available and responsive caregiver. It doesn’t require parents to respond perfectly every time.
Psychologist John Bowlby’s “safe base” concept describes the security that allows children to explore the world while knowing they have someone to return to when they are frightened, sick, upset, or need help.
That security also doesn’t mean a family will never argue. Children will become angry, parents will make mistakes, and partners may disagree. What matters is how the family handles those moments and reconnects afterward.
Another useful shift is to look at difficult behavior as a skill a child has not learned yet. A child who struggles to wait, manage disappointment, or explain what they need may not be deliberately trying to make life difficult. Seeing the missing skill can make teaching and guidance more productive than assuming bad intentions.
Use Communication, Routines, and Clear Guidance
Sarner organizes effective parenting around three connected areas: communication, organization, and direction.
Communication starts before giving an instruction. Get the child’s attention, make eye contact, move closer, and help them transition from one activity to another before asking them to put away a toy or get ready.
Organization provides structure without requiring a rigid schedule. Children often do better when they know what is coming next. If the usual after-school plan needs to change, explaining the change beforehand can help them adjust.
Direction is about teaching rather than reacting angrily. A child can learn that homework comes before screen time or dinner comes before dessert. Consequences can also be logical and connected to the situation rather than designed simply to punish.
The goal is to make expectations understandable while maintaining the relationship underneath them.
Lead With Warmth While Keeping Boundaries
Parents can be both warm and firm.
Sarner compares this role to a protective “bear mother or bear father”: a parent who cares deeply about the child while still providing direction and boundaries. Leadership does not mean being harsh, but it also does not mean giving up the parent’s role in an effort to become a child’s friend.
Parents also need to coordinate with each other. One parent may focus more on communication while the other emphasizes routines or boundaries. Differences are normal, but conflicting instructions during a stressful moment can make things harder for everyone.
A better approach is to recognize the difficulty, agree on the shared goal, and decide what to address first.
Boundaries can also acknowledge emotions without changing the limit. A parent might say, “I know you’re upset, but cookies aren’t for dinner. I love you.” The child may still cry or become angry. That doesn’t necessarily mean the boundary was wrong.
Regulate Yourself Before Responding to Your Child
A parent’s ability to stay calm can change the entire interaction.
Poor sleep, work pressure, multitasking, and ongoing stress can make it much harder to respond thoughtfully. Sarner explains that stress can activate the body’s fight-or-flight response, making it more difficult to access the coping skills you normally have.
Learning to recognize the early warning signs can help. Racing thoughts, rising tension, irritation, feeling overwhelmed, or becoming increasingly bothered by normal household noise can signal that it’s time to pause.
The episode also discusses 4-7-8 breathing: inhale for four seconds, hold for seven, and exhale for eight. If those counts are uncomfortable, starting with a more manageable rhythm is reasonable, and anyone who experiences dizziness or discomfort should stop.
Walking, exercise, meditation, and adequate sleep can also support emotional regulation.
Morning preparation may help some families as well. A few minutes of walking, fresh air, or organizing the morning before children wake up can reduce some of the day’s pressure. The key is choosing a routine that actually works for your household rather than adding another obligation.
Create Small Moments of Real Connection
One of the simplest ways to support a child’s emotional needs is to give them attention before disruptive behavior demands it.
A few minutes of focused play can sometimes be more meaningful than being physically present while looking at a phone or working on something else. Put the phone away, look at your child, and give them your attention before moving on to another task.
Children also want to feel recognized for who they are. Notice their interests, personality, and strengths. One child may connect with a parent through baseball, another through music, books, drawing, sports, or something completely different.
These moments don’t need to involve expensive activities or long trips.
A specific compliment, a genuine conversation, or a full hug when your child asks for one can create a meaningful connection.
The bigger lesson from Sarner’s approach is that children don’t need perfect parents. They need parents who are present, loving, willing to communicate, able to set reasonable boundaries, and prepared to repair the relationship when things go wrong.
Start with one change this week. Talk to your child before giving an instruction. Create a more predictable morning routine. Practice a breathing exercise. Put your phone away for a few minutes of one-on-one time.
Parenting progress doesn’t come from implementing every strategy at once. It comes from noticing what your family needs, trying something, learning from it, and trying again.
